The Great Gong Sounds! The World Rejoices in the Selection of a new Zen Pope, Bodhidharma XVI

The Great Gong sounded inside Zenican Compound near Beijing today, heralding the election of the new Zen Pope who chose for himself the name Bodhidharma XVI.

Shortly thereafter, Bodhidharma appeared before the crowd wearing the traditional ragged robe and flipflops and was greeted by cheers and shouts of "Svaha!" Zen Pope Bodhidharma, formerly American Roshi Jerry Smith, is the first New World zen pope, following a Pole, and before that, a dozen centuries of Chinese, Mongolian, Korean and Japanese zen popes. The predecessor to Bodhidharma XVI, Hung-Jen Hui-Neng II, is considered by most to have been extraordinarily great and to have retired to Parinirvana.

As all of you who have paid any attention to history know, the zen popes have been important figures on the world scene for the last century. Calming heightened tensions between the Chinese and Japanese governments sixty years ago, Zen Pope Cats Meow VI was able to forestall the entry of Japan into a world conflict on the side of the Nazis. The dust-up that ensued, known as "The Quiet War," where Allied Forces routed the Nazis without firing a shot, was over in a week.

Several years later, Zen Pope Misty Cloud III was instrumental in calming tensions when the Maoists took over China. The Dalai Lama has given the then-pope a great deal of credit for preventing a takeover of Tibet that was thought possible in the late 1950s. Many historians today laugh at the idea of a Chinese invasion of  the fabled wonderland of Tibet.

The Dalai Lama left his residence in Llasa last week to participate in the funeral for Zen Pope Hui-Jen Hui-Neng II. The leader of Tibet has stayed in the peaceful city of Beijing this past week, discussing events with gatherings of Buddhists and worldwide political leaders. Meantime, great roshis gathered in seclusion in Zenican Compound composing gothas in competition for the eventual selection/election of the new Zen Pope.

The early betting favorite, according to bookmakers in Britain, was Roshi Zhivago of Russia. Word, leaked from the Zenican, was that his gotha, titled "Straighten Up and Fly Right" was judged "a little too dusty" for the sensibilities of the assemblege, ending his chances for selection. Roshi Jerry Smith's gotha, "No Soap," was considered a clever use of laundry day to make a profound point about purity and frugal use of electricity. His selection by acclimation resulted shortly after the gotha was read.

President Al Gore flew back to America after a short meeting with the new Zen Pontiff. Gore is known to have been very grateful to Zen Pope Hui-Jen Hui-Neng II who in 2000 convinced Republican Presidential candidate George Bush to not resist a full recount of Florida votes, and to allow a "do-over" in Briard county where confusing so-called butterfly ballots had been used. The re-vote and recount resulted in a victory for Gore in the state and shortly thereafter in the Electoral College, making him the 43rd president of the United States. Zen Pope Hui-Jen Hui-Neng was later with the President when he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 for his actions which peacefully brought democracy to the nation of Iraq. The American people were so grateful for The Great and Endless Peace, as it's been called, a Constitutional Amendment received bountiful public support that allows Gore, specifically, an unlimited number of terms as the country's president.

I am a Buddhist who has no wish to see suffering eradicated

I am an existential Buddhist who does not wish to see suffering eradicated in the world.

This is so because I cannot see how existence without challenges [or with only make-work challenges] would be satisfying.

And if I (just, just!) perfect myself and eradicate my own suffering, I get booted to parinirvana [that is, unless I aggressively fight off the promotion], which doesn’t sound like much fun.

I cannot see how the loneliness of parinirvana is appealing. A universe of just me, the Adibuddha, and — what? — a stack of peanutbutter-and-jelly sandwiches and some quarts of milk until I can figure out what next to do? [Are there video games in parinirvana? Does anybody know? Internet access?]

Heaven, as described in the New Testament, or spoken/written about by suppositionist Christians, or mused about colloquially, doesn’t sound all that spiffy. Mind you, I am a wee bit fearful of death, and wouldn’t mind an escape clause, but whiling away centuries, eons, or for-fucking-ever on a cloud, playing a harp and eating perfect fruit to fill my body-made-of-light sounds like the kind of paradise where I would join the Rebel Underground [the Stormy Black Clouds is what I imagine their name is]. 

Jimmy Roughton, my favorite preacher, imagines himself in heaven planning a garden after death. But with God there, what work wouldn’t be “make work?” I mean, God, as He's conceived to be, can do anything, perfectly (and if “perfectly” isn’t the appropriate concept, then to the utmost of brilliant) and it’s done instantly. Why have Jimmy labor to create a garden when God can make a better one with a snap of His fingers, or just by saying a word?

The Zennists say that samsara IS nirvana, which, in Christian terms, means that heaven is earth, as it is. We just don’t see it. The Kingdom of Heaven is HERE. The land where improvements in people’s lives can be made is all around us.

My problem is I don’t want nothing, yet I don’t want a perfect [i.e., jolly] and crowded and eternal place, either — perhaps because there could be no compassion there. Wherever a better place is — on this world or on the next one — it mustn’t be static; there have to be challenges. And I require that these challenges be real and meaningful. So, is there an ultimate and excellent “this life” or afterlife place for me? Somehow, someday, somewhere?¹ Or, even a good conception of one?

I, of course, ask because if there isn’t a Utopia in store for me (or, for all of us, really), then the obvious alternative is for us all to make where we’re at, here on the third planet from the sun, Utopia. But if we do that, then it automatically isn’t a utopia.

So what’s to do!? Boring as it is, we can Improve life for others, in the circumstance and environs we find ourselves, now, and hope that that is a satisfactory way to be and thing to do until something unexpected and better falls in our lap.

And during this long, long, long meanwhile, until the tickets to Disney World come in the mail (or what-the-fuck-ever) we can hope — just hope — we’re doing our teeniest part for the good of the whole. I mean, like, what else do any of us have going for us? You dig?
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¹ Sneaking lyrics into this essay from the song “Somewhere (A Place for Us)” from West Side Story.